Last Night I Cried

I tried not to cry as I woke up to the sounds of boys screaming at each other. 

I tried not to cry as one of them came sobbing into the bedroom with hurt feelings. 

I tried not to cry while I had breakfast and listened to and watched my sweet E stim to calm his nerves.  

I tried not to cry as I discovered that our new puppy had suddenly gone lame and could not stand on his own.  

I tried not to cry as I headed to the hospital for an x-ray on Mr. C for another bowel impaction. 

I tried not to cry as I saw the image on the computer of a bowel so packed that I’m surprised he was able to walk around normally. 

I tried not to cry as his hospitalization was confirmed and we were admitted to our room. 

I tried not to cry every time he cried because he was scared and starving from the liquid diet restrictions. 

I tried not to cry as he was sedated before having an NG tube inserted into his nose.  

I tried not to laugh as he got goofy on the sedation and started talking nonsense and being silly. 

I tried not to cry when I had to assist in holding him down and restraining him as he screamed and cried, begging them to stop putting the tube in his nose.  

I tried not to cry when we went through that fight three more times before the tube was successfully in. 

I tried not to cry when I found out that we had to return our puppy to the shelter for long term care and potentially give him up if his health is just too bad. We’re already so attached to him. 

However, when the lights were down, and C was finally asleep, I laid down on my couch-bed in a sterile room and I cried.  

I needed to be strong, to handle what was thrown our way, and get my boy through the day that seemed unending and horrible for him but, I also needed a moment for me. I needed to release some emotion and stress. 

I’m sad that my adorable C has to go through this. 

I’m sad that this is the fourth time in the hospital for this. 

I’m worried about my dogs, both at home who have adapted to the new addition, and for the one we may not get to keep. 

I’m worried about my kids and my husband. 

I miss my own bed. 

This morning however, I feel refreshed. I’m me again. Calm, cool and collected. I will get through today and have a positive outlook. Just another reminder of the need for caregiver self-care. It’s so important to do something for yourself every day. Our lives are hard. Obstacles are thrown at us all the time. We need to have our “game face” on at all times. To be ready for anything. But, every once in a while, we need a break– we need “me” time. Even if it’s just a moment to let us feel, to cry, or to just sit and stare out the window. It allows us to carry on. 

So please mommies, daddies or other care-givers out there, remember to take care of yourselves too.